What the fuck just happened to me…?

mytattoo

It seems a little bit strange to me that 24 hours after I had the words…

Success

Perseverance

Vision

Discipline

Love

Passion

Ambition

Energy

Inspiration and

courage

…tattooed onto my left forearm, that I fell into a complete and utter meltdown and none of these values were even present within me anymore.

You see – these are my values. The things that I live my life with and the things that I live my life for.

I’ve written before about living with anxiety – you can read about it on this blog somewhere in the past posts. I thought that after 10 years I had pretty much beaten it and got it under control. Until two days ago.

About 12 weeks ago (maybe more) I aggravated my already completely fucked up inflamed piriformis (a rotator muscle that lies within your glutes) by squatting my own body weight on a barbell on my back. Stupid right? I’ve been in pain with this for over a year and yet I’m still training through it. Yes, looking back, VERY STUPID. But when you look in the mirror and you see something different to what other people see, it is VERY difficult to stop training. For I feared that if I missed a days training I would end up like some sort of saggy old blimp! I know this is not true – yet I could not stop. The muscle became so inflamed that it was putting pressure on my sciatic nerve – cue sciatic pain and weird feelings in my leg.

Tried everything from Bowen Therapy to the usual icing and stretching. I’ve been having sports massage now for 4 weeks and although it is excruciatingly sore, I can definitely feel the benefits. I’ve been referred to an orthopedic surgeon but god knows how long that will take!

Time off work.

^^ Might as well have written HELL ON EARTH.

Having my classes covered by other instructors, my one to one clients moved into groups and taken by Lorraine (thank God for her by the way!) – I have sat on my arse for the best part of 3-4 weeks now. Stressing out my head about not exercising and not training my clients. Feeling useless, stupid and bored. There’s only so much writing you can do before even the sound of your own hands on the keyboard starts to get annoying!

Cue Tuesday night, ironically after having an exploding head tattooed on me – my head exploded. Not literally, thankfully!

The headache is the worst. It feels as though someone is sitting on my eyebrows hitting my on the temples with a mallet. I’m dizzy and light headed and I keep forgetting things. Like whole days. I taught three of my classes on Wednesday night past, and I can only remember teaching two of them. Freak out! I’ve lost my appetite, I’m sleeping day and night and I have pretty much lost all motivation for every-fucking-thing. My IBS is the worst it’s been in years – until it settles I won’t go far from home. I was in Sainsburys yesterday afternoon and couldn’t remember how or when I’d even got there. It can be frightening!

^ ^ This is anxiety and this is what some people live with day in, day out. Fortunately, I know that this will pass – and I have the tools and mindset to not let it go on for much longer, I hope. I also know that sometimes you have just got to ride the storm. Things that help for me:

> Forcing myself to be around people…so I sat in a cafe yesterday for an hour even though I didn’t want to.

> Cups of tea with real milk and real sugar, because it comforts me

> Sleeping – LOADS. Which I have been doing

> Writing it down. So that when I look back in a few days time I can laugh it off.

> Exercise.

Fuck. I can’t exercise! Stupid hip injury! So this is why my anxiety has flared up MAJORLY. Exercising, believe it or not, is my drug of choice for my anxiety disorder. Remove it and I suppose it’s like taking someone off their anti-depressant medication without the phasing it out part. Lethal!

So tonight, I’m going to get back to exercise, and listen to my body when it says it’s had enough.

You’ve got to learn to listen to your body. Learn to listen to how your stress comes out. For me – it’s complete shut down mode. For you it could be ANYTHING. Upset stomachs, skin outbreaks, unexplained tiredness. I’m not a doctor so I can’t diagnose you with stress or anxiety. But what I can do is tell you that you have GOT to listen to your body. This is coming from someone who finds that very difficult!

I think I’ve managed to listen to mine before it got too late. I’ve slammed the brakes on now but you can be sure as hell that when my foot goes back on the accelerator – you better watch your back!

Rach 🙂

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